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Firecracker Heels

Because I don’t want to need you any more than you need me because I want to know I’m content because of me

I am not happy, I am happy momentarily but not constantly

Doesn’t mean I cannot function

Doesn’t mean I am not grateful

Or not trying to be happy

It just takes more effort for some people to be happy

Maybe I appreciate things more this way

Finding genuine happiness in the most genuine of things

Not in a lot of things

But for the things that really matter

I have not seen you for a while but I guess I need some kind of outlet

This lack of knowing myself or the huge increase in loneliness lately has got me thinking

Am I better off on my own until I get comfortable with it? I don’t think I will slash my neck and make my shirt red with depression but I feel that I am actually depressed or am I just too used to this feeling or am I just denying it. What is this, what the fuck is happening, where are my friends? Well the friends who will stick with me in all ways possible, even when I chose to shit myself in my pants. I love my friends but I think they forget.

I thought of my boyfriend, I love him to death and i think we have taken leaps since he began law school, but I don’t know. I felt lonelier thinking that I am not really much of a loss if I don’t show up. That’s probably the advantage of being in “school” being able to find people who are willing to get butt naked as much as you do.

I want to get stupid, I want to get out of this city alone, but at the same time I want to not be lonely anymore.

This shit is so weird why is life so shallow at the same time so essential to my happiness. Why the fuck am I so existential and “deep”

This shit

Deep shit

  • <b> </b> I learned early on that it truly takes true effort to be in love. Maybe falling in love is natural but constantly being in love needs effort, needs hardwork, sacrifices and compromises. A lot has changed since I started teaching and everything I feel now seems miniscule to what I should be really thinking about. But I keep going back to this point where I feel not significant enough... Not to be recognized but not significant enough to consider being more assertive or supportive of myself. I am more composed now, and I can channel my energies better but knowing that one person who I know makes time for me is now only giving it when he has the time (yeah law school is a bitch) hurts and I keep blaming myself for not being able to accept what the reality is. I guess I have to keep remembering why I chose to love and why I still do. That when this has progressed to another level, everything else will be better.<p><b></b> But for now I have to learn that it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel lonely. Maybe it isn't okay to tell him now but maybe one day I will.<p>